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I got really upset yesterday, and I said some terrible things about God. Things I know I didn't mean, and I know He knows I didn't mean them. But still... infertility is a dark place and makes you crazy, frustrated, and very very sad. In this process, I can see where people lose their faith. I can understand why people stop believing. I get it. How can someone who loves you so much be so cruel? I said all of those things in a rant after I found out I was not pregnant. And then, I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the fact I let those things come out of my mouth. Ashamed at the monster this whole thing has made me to be at times.
When in fact, God did give me a blessing in June. I ovulated. It gave me hope. And today, in July, God has given me another blessing. I found out that I will be teaching 8th this year, not 7th. AND, it will be American history. That is the position I've always wanted. So, two blessings in a matter of two weeks!
With that being said, I am going to try my best to count my blessings one at a time.
5 comments:
Sometimes life gets really hard and we say things we don't mean to the people we love the most, including God. C.S. Lewis one time said that questioning was a way of growing closer to God, and I think sometimes anger can also eventually bring us closer to Him. It sounds like you've already processed through a lot already. Praying for you and your husband.
I am in your exact same boat. It is so hard to be happy for my friends who have babies, or are pregnant when it is something I so desperately want myself. I try and stay positive and remain hopeful but it is taxing. You are in my prayers.
There's a saying said that, there will be no rainbow without the rain... :)
My heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray that while your faith may be tested, you never give up hope.
I totally understand your feelings. Infertility is a hard , hard roller coaster and you are only human. I remember desperately wanting to be pregnant and was crushed when it didn't work. I wanted it so badly. Please keep the faith. It will work out for you!!! It will!!!
By the way, did you ever get your sandals, roomie?!? Lol
Kathleen
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