In my twenties, it was all about planning the MOST FUN night out ever----full of great drinks, great food, lots of friends, going out all night.
In my thirties, it's more of let's have dinner, a few glasses of wine, maybe go to a movie?, 11 o'clock---oh gracious, it is WAY past my bedtime.
Normally, I'm all about planning my birthday a month or so in advance, because well, it's one of the times that we all get together and can catch up and it's either A) not a tragedy or B) some kind of life event aka wedding or baby shower.
However, this year was different. I didn't even want to do anything for my birthday, but my best friend kept asking, so I complied. I just didn't feel it this year. I never was the one who dreamed of getting married or having kids, but if it happened, I'd be okay with it. And since getting married was in the cards, then, of course, a family was something I looked forward to.
And, at 34, I just thought that I'd be chasing around some little human feet instead of still chasing pug feet. Actually, I thought, by this time, I'd be chasing both. I thought babies, husband, pug, white picket fence, and having an all-American family.
Those were not the cards I was dealt. My parents sat me down a couple of weeks ago, and in the nicest parental way possible, to me just TO GET OVER IT. Life happens. Some people can't walk, some people can't see, some people can't have kids. And that's just part of life. You move on. You go on with your life and live it to the fullest possible.
They're right. I've let infertility control my life; I've let it define who I am. I've been depressed for two years. I've gained weight, been sad, I do nothing because I feel like time has stopped. Time hasn't stopped. Life is moving on without me.
Infertility does not define me. Only I have the power to change my life. And that my friends, is what I wish for on my birthday. To stop being bitter, stop being sad, and just get out there and live. Live my life. That is my wish this year.
3 comments:
I hope this is a great year for you, whatever adventures it may bring. You are beautiful, sweet, and you obviously are surrounded by great family and friends. Cheers to you!
Oh girl, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something that could make the hurt magically all better.
Happy Belated Birthday!! I hope you enjoy it just a little bit!
I spent two years being bitter and sad and angry, and one thing that has totally changed my outlook is to remember to be grateful. That's my word of the year. :) I may not have kids, but I have my husband, my health, my family, a roof over my head, a job, good friends...that's a lot to be grateful for. So instead of wishing and longing for what I don't have, I'm really trying to remember to be positive and thankful for the things I a fortunate to have. And I'm also trying to keep in mind that life is short. I may not be here 6 months or a year from now...do I want to spend what precious time I do have sad and angry or should I, as you said, live life to the fullest? 2014 brought on a whole new outlook for me, and I'm going to choose to be happy. Hopefully you can, too :). Hugs.
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