Friday, February 20, 2009

He Popped the Big Question....

Yeah not that question. The Move-In question.

LC-can we have a talk
LC-where do you see our future
Me-I see myself with you forever
LC-that's how I see it too
LC-Will you move in with me when I buy this house
Me-(thinking it would be closer to August when my lease is up due to previous conversations) ummmmm, I still have my apartment til August. And, I'd like to keep it since we're not married.
LC-I was looking at houses for US. I can't afford the price range we've been looking at myself and it's silly for you to pay rent when you'll be over ALOT.
Me-We're not engaged or married, what would your family think. Your mother is a devout Catholic and what about Gma? She'll just die. I mean what if you break up with me then I'm homeless:(
LC-Do we have to be married for you to live with me? I stay with you now and we're not married.
Me-Well, I would like to be engaged if I was moving in.
LC-Well, we've only been dating 6mos.
Me-We will be together a year by the time my lease is up and engaged does not mean a wedding the next day
Me-The church makes you wait at least 6mos. before you can even set a date.
Me-I'm not trying to get you to marry me or propose. This isn't a trick or an ultimatum. I'm just scared b/c of what happened with _____. (then story of TWOS move/kick out comes out)
LC-Well, do you want to get married now?
Me-I would marry you yes.
LC-give it time.
LC-is that okay?
Me-yeah sure. (crack a joke about the "giving time")
LC-look it's either a ring or a house and I can't afford both right now. The market is good and might not ever be this low. You will get a ring but I just need time.

So, what's a girl to do? I guess that question will come up in June after I've been staying in said bought house and lease is coming up for renewal. So, I guess if said house is bought soon then I have some time to buy myself. I mean what do y'all think? Would you do it with no ring on your finger?

I guess I should fill you in. TWOS (see sidebar) and I rushed into a relationship and lived together for the almost year we were together. TWOS lost his job and couldn't afford nice apartment in the nice suburb/city we lived in. Was thinking of moving in with friends. Obviously, TWOS is selfish and only thinks of himself. Ended up moving in with a mutual friend of ours. Then TWOS realized he would be over quite a bit and weaseled his way into moving in with us. Granted the roomie was never there so TWOS and I basically had our own place together. It was cheap, I was still in school, and it was convenient. Well, in the duration of living together, TWOS decided he needed to find himself, since I finally put my foot down. I got tired of picking him up at bars at 3am b/c he's an alcoholic and, I got tired of his incessant need to party. So, I started doing my own thing. Not picking him up, going out with friends more, and not going to his tennis crap functions. While still living with me, TWOS decided to find a new girlfriend. Yes, I said WHILE STILL LIVING WITH ME. Of all things, I find out on Facebook. He said we were on a break. Okay buddy, breaks require you moving out, not coming home and watching tv, taking a shower, etc. Right after I kicked him out, Yes I kicked him out Carrie Underwood style. I found out about said girlfriend on Turkey Day. Called TWOS and told him to come get his belongings off the lawn. He drove up to see this fed up Belle tossing all his sh!t in the grass from our second floor balcony. Oh is this printer you used to print out stuff b/c you love you love it so much. CRASH! Sorry, I didn't mean for it to shatter. Just thought it would fall gracefully. Ooops!

After all was said and done, along came student teaching. If any of you out there are teachers or were teachers, you know what this means. BROKE. NO DINERO. You basically work a 40hr week job for NO PAY. With TWOS moving out, my parents had to help me financially. It was unexpected. So my point after rambling this ridiculous story about my personal life which some of you may think I'm crazy, well it's made me scared. Of course, I trust LC with all my heart, but hey, he lives with me. I still have the say so; it's my place. My name is on the lease. Needless to say, I'm just scared because what if he wakes up one day and doesn't like me anymore. Then, I'm homeless having to find a new apartment with another deposit and another pet deposit.....

Sorry, I just had to get that out. Thanks for reading/listening if you still are at this point. I love all of you my bloggy friends:)


AmyT said...

hmmm he seems to have a good head on his shoulders - were you planning on re-newing in August? I mean if he's all ready living with wouldn't hurt right? He seems to really want to spend his life with you. I guess it really just depends on beliefs and all - but I say go for it - especially if you both think you'll spend the rest of your life together - and he seems to be looking at the futre. Why not? Good luck!!

Ashley said...

I go by the old saying "You never really know someone until you live with them", so maybe moving in together WOULD be a good choice. It's like a little preview of what married life with him would really be. I have a very conservitive family, and they would probably flip too if I moved in with a guy not being married...but you have to do what will make you happy above all else! If he's made it very clear he wants to marry you in the future and you trust him I say why not? Just follow your heart, girl!

LWLH said...

I agree with Ashley and Amy T...should just follow your heart.. if you believe he is sincere in what he says than go for it..Me and my boyfriend live together now for 2 years (we've been together 3) and it was probably one of the best decisions I've made.
Good luck girl!! :)

Jennifer said...

LC seems like he is mature and is thinking about the future with you in it! From that conversation, it seems like LC is excited and totally in love with you, but he is like most guys and scared of what that means. He probably is already thinking about proposing, but he knows you have only been dating 6 months and needs a little more time to figure out if he is absolutely positive that he is ready to start a married life together. Guys have a harder time transitioning into a married life from a dating life and need time to figure out what being a husband is in their own minds. I would say to go for it! Don't worry about the apartment just yet, move into the house and see what happens from there. When it comes time to renew the lease, you might have a diamond on that finger!

Elle said...

It's very sweet of him to offer, but I think you absolutely should keep your own place. I cannot tell you how many people I know who have the same kind of story. It's just not worth the financial risk for both of you to live together, and if it doesn't work out you're in trouble. Definitely wait it out for now and re-evaluate in August, maybe he could get a temporary lease 6 month or so, until you are ready to re-visit the topic.

Unknown said...

I think it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Not only have you all been dating such a short time, he's talking about buying a house he can't afford on his own. This magnifies the financial risk. He should be thinking about what if YOU move out. If he can't afford the house on his own he needs to start looking at something cheaper. You shouldn't be paying his mortgage for him. If something happens you'll have been putting money into something that is helping him gain equity.

I think you should keep your own least until he puts a ring on that southern little finger of yours!

Stephanie said...

I understand being scared, but I don't think it would be a bad idea to move it. It will get to the point of you getting upset that you are paying 'rent' when you are never there. Plus, it is a huge step for him asking you to move in with him. You have to take a risk at sometime. I had a crappy situation with an ex and living together. My husband and I started living together pretty much right away and it has been wonderful. Follow your heart.

Lilly P. Wannabe said...

First off, I absolutely love that you threw TWOS stuff off of the balcony!

Second, this is a quite ironic post considering I just watched the Sex and the City movie last night... if you haven't seen it, go out to Blockbuster right now!! haha! Anyways, I think that the whole situation would put a real strain on your relationship. I am from a Memphis Catholic family, and I cannot even begin to imagine what they would say if I moved in with a BF.

If I were you, I would keep my own place until you at least have a ring on the finger; but even then, that doesn't mean that things couldn't go wrong. Ultimately it is your decision and you have to do what is right for you. Just give it some time to see how things work out.

Niki said...

I think you should do what will make you happy and not anyone else. I know your scared but in my opinion, you have to put your heart out there for love:) He seems like a great guy. At least you have a little while to figure this out:)

Medicated and Motivated said...

I was in the same exact situation a few months ago. My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 3 years when we started talking about me moving in with him. He already owned a house, I rented, and I stayed at his house just about every single night. It took me a few months to be able to go through with it, I was the same way, I really didn't want to give up my apartment in case we broke up. I finally decided though that it was ridiculous to keep paying rent and utilities on a place where I never stayed.

My advice would be that he needs to find a house that he can afford WITHOUT you, just in case something does happen...that way if you do move in with him, and end up moving out at a later date you won't feel guilty that he bought a house that he could only afford if you were living with him. Also, there is plenty of time between now and August for you to think about whether or not this is something you want to do.

If your main concern is the deposits that you'll have to come up with if you do end up moving out of his house, then when you move out of the apartment you're in now, and you get your deposits back from that, stash that money away, and you'll have it for a new apartment if the need arises.

Anonymous said...

Wow.... talk about a conundrum! We really don't know what to think, but would lean toward keeping your own place. If he is looking at houses predicated on financial contributions from you, it might have been a good idea for him to share that upfront.

"Staying with you" and living together and being married are three different things; we're not sure he entirely grasps this....? (This sounds harsher than we mean it to.)

Following your intuition (gut instinct) has never failed us; bet you are the same.


katie lake said...

Gosh that's such a tough place to be in. last february I had to make that decision about a boyfriend and I decided against it finally b/c something felt a little off. My boyfriend before moved in with me for 3 months and it was great. Not sure if it worked so well because we were compatable as roomies or if it was because we both only knew it was for 3 months. In the end it is all about what feels right.

Nancy said...

Southern Belle:
It is you Pink Swap partner! I finaly started a blog, thanks for the encouragement!

I'm loving all of my swap items and I'm so happy we were able to be each others "firsts" :)

Ok, LC is a keeper. I agree, go with your heart. You'll know when the time comes.

Me in Memphis said...

My opinion has always on earth do you know you want to marry a guy if you haven't lived together? That is usually the make-it or break-it of all relationships...once you live together, 24/7, you realize pretty quick that "wow this guy isn't exactly who I thought he was" or "this is great, can't wait to spend everyday like this!"

If you want to marry him, seems only logical to move in :) Especially if he's the one who brought it up, good sign!

ThoughtsON said...

I'm always upset by women who get themselve 'stuck' financially. I think that if he wants to get a house for 'both' of you, then both of you should be buying it and paying for it together (which of course can get quite complicated when you aren't married.) Otherwise, you should keep your place and he should find something he can afford on his own. Then, in the future after an engagement or wedding you guys can find a place together.
Just my two cents :) Of course, it all comes down to what you feel is best for YOU! Good Luck.

Mrs. R said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sparkle Sparkle said...

I agree with Medicated and Motivated and should be buying a house he can afford without you paying, especially in these tough times. I don't know many young couples where one half hasn't lost a job recently. and although it takes a year from the ring to the engagement, it is a year where you announce your commitment to the world. so if he has worries about getting engaged so soon, then the concept of a long engagement might not help. i just had a friend who the day after a bridal luncheon, weeks after invitations went out- had her fiance break it off. and they lived together in a house they just bought together. i think he felt rushed. this story really scared me and made me realize that boys look at this process so differently. when i first kiss a guy i imagine my new monogram. ha. and my poor boyfriend has been hounded about a ring for over a year. i need to just lighten up and let whatever happens happen.
i also come from a conservative family where this is just not an option. and my mom believes once you live together you look for excuses to just break up. since you get on each other's nerves. and i think that could be true.
not sure why i wrote a book. short answer- don't move in. wait a few more months of dating to get engaged. but also disregard everyone and follow your heart :)

Sandra said...

My perspective is from a much older person ;-). I know times have changed and it is pretty common for couples to live together. I think you will know in your "gut" {sorry to use such an un-ladylike word, but it works} if you should move in with him. I personally would not give up my own place. But in the end you have to do what's right for you and what feels right. However, if you have any kind of hesitation at all, don't do it! You just have to trust yourself, trust him, and trust that you can handle whatever comes of this!! xoxo

DietCokeStraightUp said...

I so know what you are going through with this. My boyfriend wanted to move in together and its just not something that is an option for me (family and stuff). So I know it was hard to say how you felt! He seems like you two can talk and he seems really mature. SO congrats for having a good man!!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I think at least being engaged before living together is a must. It will make you both feel more secure. I mean, what if you move in and it doesn't work. Then you are homeless and he is stuck with a house payment above his single guy means. Good for you for being honest. This is the time to be honest about what is important to you. Things will work out so much better in the end because of it!


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