Monday, October 19, 2009

Going to bed with a heavy heart....


Well ladies, here I am in person no pun intended;) I included two pictures for a reason. The first is what I looked like when I started blogging. I was a tad okay 8-9 lbs thinner in those days. I'm only 5'3"; so, any little bit of weight I gain shows immediately. I guess there's just more of me to love. Tehe=) Then, I went and cut my foot, met LC, and went back natural. So, the second pic is what I look like now.  It was taken at one of my best friend's birthdays here recently. Sorry, these aren't of the best resolution. I stole them off FB. Hope I didn't disappoint y'all.

Today was almost more than I could bare. After being upset about the incident this morning, I get a call from LC a little bit before I leave work. They postponed his closing date. He had been so excited. All because his employer mailed a piece of paper his lender needed to the business home office which is in Florida. His lender's office is here. Gaw, I mean really. It blows. His lender is hoping they will fax the paper over. Whatever day they fax it, more than likely, he will be able to close the next day. I was obviously upset when I came home. I guess it was a combination of everything today. I just couldn't hold it in. Not only is he my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. He knows when I'm upset even if I don't say it. I finally just let it all out. I told him about my blog. I was surprised he took it that well. He wasn't upset at all. I'm sure he's curious, but he didn't ask too much about it. Then, he took us to dinner to brighten our spirits or because he was just super hungry probably. And to just put the icing on today's cake, my Mum called while we were waiting on our food. She was obviously upset. The blood work tests came back and her doctor called her at 7pm. Her thyroid levels are extremely high. The doctor is reducing her thyroid medication in hopes to regulate it. Her doctor also stated that when they scan her that something shows up, but when they use an alternate scan it doesn't. My Mum is not the best at listening to the details when she starts to get upset. She only hears what she wants to hear, and I have to decipher the rest. I am going to try to call her doctor tomorrow. She is to have more blood work done in a month to check it. If the levels remain high, she will have to go through more radiation in November or December. My Mum just broke down over the phone. And, I wept silently. I am an only child. My Mum has no one but my father and I. She is alone except for us. She and her family aren't on the greatest terms, and there is no one for her to lean on but me. There are no other siblings to show melancholy and another to put on a strong face for her. It is I alone who carry this burden. I have to be strong. She cannot see my pain. I have to carry this burden for her. Tonight, my heart is heavy, loves. I called my best friend P, and we talked for a long time. I had to call her. Every time we talk, she always asks about my Mum's health. It's comforting that every time she asks I am able to tell her okay. But I knew I would call her tomorrow, and she would ask, and, this time, I would have to say not okay. She's not okay. I had to call P tonight. And instantly, I felt better. I felt somewhat relieved. She's my person. P and I we're like soul mates. She's my oldest and dearest friend. She's like my family. We may not be bound by blood, but we are family ever the same.  But alas, my dear friends, I am still melancholy. My heart is laced with fear, hurt, resentment, and questions. Why me, why do I have to carry this burden? Why do I have to endure this pain? Why did she get better to only be set back....again. But, I have to stand strong to my faith. I have to believe. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. If you don't have faith in any thing, then what do you truly have.....

16 comments:

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

First of all girl, you are so gorgeous, and I'm thrilled that you've decided to show yourself on your blog (you look just like your drawing). Also, I'm totally jealous of someone who can rock two completely different hair colors (sigh, always wondered what it would be like to be blonde).

I'm so sorry about the closing, but hopefully it's only a temporary setback and how awesome is it that you told LC about your blog? I think it's great!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's health problems. I will be praying for her and you, as well. I'm an only child, too, so I completely understand all of the things you're feeling. Every time one of my parents has some kind of health issue, I worry about it more than they do, because it's just me, you know?

I hope that everything looks brighter in the morning and I'm always around if you want to talk!

The Dishy Decorator said...

You're beautiful!!! So here I am again. I'm such a mama bear. Hang in there girl. I've found that difficult times always come in multiples. I hope your mom can get her meds regulated and feel better.

Keep your head up. Like you said, things happen for a reason. We can't alway see it now, but it'll work out. It's good that you're talking about things. That always helps me!

mint juleps and magnolias said...

Oh, honey. I am so very sorry you have to deal with this. You're in my thoughts.

And, you're far lovelier than any of your cartoon portraits. :)

KatieB. said...

You are so beautiful and strong to open up like that on your blog. I recently went through a lot of heavy waters, as well. I spent most of the summer crying and worrying. But, this one Bible verse got me through it, and I'm here to say that with time, things do work out as He plans for them to.

Phil 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

cMe said...

Keep your chin up girl, you and your Mum are in my thoughts.

Lauren Kelly said...

Just wanted to let you know that this burden was not meant for you to carry alone. You are not alone. Give it to God and leave the rest up to him. Have faith!!! Thinking and praying for you and your mom.

P.S.
You are absolutely adorable!

Christin said...

First of all, I love the dark hair. Second of all... I hope everything gets easier for you. We all have "those days." Just remember, "this too shall pass." :)

Raining Pearls said...

Hang in there. You are great girl and they are lucky to have you as a friend. I only wished I lived closer :)

You're a total doll by the way.

Much love to you
Nanc

Whitney said...

You are gorgeous! :) So glad you finally posted a picture now I can finally put a face to the words and emotions.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has been going on in your life- it seems like one thing after another. However I believe that everything happens for a reason and that god wouldn't give you something that you couldn't handle.

Stay strong, everything will be ok!

Michelle said...

First you are beautiful!!! So glad you shared pictures. :) I feel like I know you more, if that makes any kind of sence at all?! Second, it is OK to cry, you don't have to be strong, your Mom can still lean on you and have you crying at the same time. Hang in there, my prayers are with you, and your family, I am happy you have your man to lean on. xoxo

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry! You are definitely dealing with a lot right now. We will talk more on email later! Just know I am praying for you and your mom and dad.

Lil' Woman said...

Your a gorgeous girl! :)

I'm so sorry things haven't beenm going well for you lately but just keep your head up and I'm sure you will make your way through it and everything will turn out for the best.

prettyface said...

You're in my thoughts honey :-) keep your head held high.

P.S. I think you look beautiful with dark hair!! I like it better than the blonde. Just my opinion.

xoxox

RW @ TrueBeauty said...

I'm sorry about your mom. I just don't know what I would/will do if my mom ever gets sick. She and my sister are my "person/people."

On a good note...you are beautiful girl!

LydiaAndPugs said...

I love both pictures! Your beautiful either way :)

Southern Living: Preppy Style said...

Hi there! I just started following you and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this - i personally wasn't attacked, but a lot of my blog friends were and I too am upset - but will be the bigger person, like you.

Your pictures are gorgeous, you are a beautiful person inside and out.

As for your mom - I understand, I too have thyroid disease and some days it is too much to bear. I am only 32 and to think I'll have this the rest of my life is difficult. But, I'll make it through. Lots of prayers for you mom!

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