Going to bed with a heavy heart....

Well ladies, here I am in person no pun intended;) I included two pictures for a reason. The first is what I looked like when I started blogging. I was a tad okay 8-9 lbs thinner in those days. I'm only 5'3"; so, any little bit of weight I gain shows immediately. I guess there's just more of me to love. Tehe=) Then, I went and cut my foot, met LC, and went back natural. So, the second pic is what I look like now.  It was taken at one of my best friend's birthdays here recently. Sorry, these aren't of the best resolution. I stole them off FB. Hope I didn't disappoint y'all.

Today was almost more than I could bare. After being upset about the incident this morning, I get a call from LC a little bit before I leave work. They postponed his closing date. He had been so excited. All because his employer mailed a piece of paper his lender needed to the business home office which is in Florida. His lender's office is here. Gaw, I mean really. It blows. His lender is hoping they will fax the paper over. Whatever day they fax it, more than likely, he will be able to close the next day. I was obviously upset when I came home. I guess it was a combination of everything today. I just couldn't hold it in. Not only is he my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. He knows when I'm upset even if I don't say it. I finally just let it all out. I told him about my blog. I was surprised he took it that well. He wasn't upset at all. I'm sure he's curious, but he didn't ask too much about it. Then, he took us to dinner to brighten our spirits or because he was just super hungry probably. And to just put the icing on today's cake, my Mum called while we were waiting on our food. She was obviously upset. The blood work tests came back and her doctor called her at 7pm. Her thyroid levels are extremely high. The doctor is reducing her thyroid medication in hopes to regulate it. Her doctor also stated that when they scan her that something shows up, but when they use an alternate scan it doesn't. My Mum is not the best at listening to the details when she starts to get upset. She only hears what she wants to hear, and I have to decipher the rest. I am going to try to call her doctor tomorrow. She is to have more blood work done in a month to check it. If the levels remain high, she will have to go through more radiation in November or December. My Mum just broke down over the phone. And, I wept silently. I am an only child. My Mum has no one but my father and I. She is alone except for us. She and her family aren't on the greatest terms, and there is no one for her to lean on but me. There are no other siblings to show melancholy and another to put on a strong face for her. It is I alone who carry this burden. I have to be strong. She cannot see my pain. I have to carry this burden for her. Tonight, my heart is heavy, loves. I called my best friend P, and we talked for a long time. I had to call her. Every time we talk, she always asks about my Mum's health. It's comforting that every time she asks I am able to tell her okay. But I knew I would call her tomorrow, and she would ask, and, this time, I would have to say not okay. She's not okay. I had to call P tonight. And instantly, I felt better. I felt somewhat relieved. She's my person. P and I we're like soul mates. She's my oldest and dearest friend. She's like my family. We may not be bound by blood, but we are family ever the same.  But alas, my dear friends, I am still melancholy. My heart is laced with fear, hurt, resentment, and questions. Why me, why do I have to carry this burden? Why do I have to endure this pain? Why did she get better to only be set back....again. But, I have to stand strong to my faith. I have to believe. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. If you don't have faith in any thing, then what do you truly have.....