Cah-razy, with a capital C.

Dearest Ex, future/possible SIL, whatevcr you are, boyfriend's brother's girlfriend,

Calling me on Saturday afternoon to inform me that your drunken whatever, my possibly future brother in law, called and told you I said really bad things about you, is not the way to stay on my good side. If you haven't already figured out, I am not going to rat out my boyfriend's brother, wanna stay in the family, there's a little thing called loyalty look it up nor am I going to tell you anything. And most of all, I do not say anything to him that I wouldn't say to your face. Hello, I'm no dummy. I'm staying out of y'alls issues; because, well, let me quote you a little Jay-Z, "I got 99 problems, and a b!tch ain't one." Did I tell him about the things you've done or told me when you were drunk? No, I have not. However, after this phone call, it is very tempting. Would I do such a thing to be catty? No, because, I'm classy. Would you? Of course. As far as these so-called "really" bad things I said about you, if you think that me saying that you two fight too much is mean, well, then, bless your little evil delicate heart. You are going to have a long road in life I'm afraid to say. Oh, and darling, I didn't volunteer this information. I don't meddle in others affairs. LC's brother asked my opinion. But alas, I forgot that today you told me that even if my opinion is asked for I am not to give it. It is not my business. My, I must have not gotten the memo that free speech is no longer a right in the States. My bad homegirl! I'll have to go read this bill for myself. Obviously, I had no clue that we are not to have opinions any longer. Does that mean I am no longer able to talk and converse with him either? If that is the case, I do not know how I am to explain to his parents and grandmother why I cannot answer his questions at the dinner table on Sundays. Please advise. Or, do you just mean I am not to have an opinion about you. I'm sorry you weren't really clear on my rights. And, I do apologize for causing you frustration by not volunteering any incriminating information towards myself or LC's brother. I realize you were trying to use the scare tactic by making that "scaaaary" phone call. Mission: FAILED.  Just to let you know something, I am far too clever to fall for such elementary tricks. Silly girl, tricks are for kids. However, I must complement you on your quick wit and jabbing skills. Throwing the quick jab "You have no right to say we fight too much. You and LC's relationship is far from perfect. Y'all fight all the time" was well pretty original. Oh dear, I don't even know where to start with this one. I'm sorry I laughed at you when you said this. It's absolute ludicrous thinking. No relationship is perfect. LC and I sure we get into a fight from time to time, but it is rare in occurrence. We bicker like any other couple, but at the end of the day, we are happy. We are blissfully happy. It's kinda scary and sick actually. I'll break this one down to your level my child, sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words can never hurt me. Saying things like that to make yourself feel better doesn't solve your problems.  For instance, LC and I have never broke up in the 16 months we've been together. We haven't even come close to, not even once. You and LC's brother on the other hand, well, I won't even go there. We'll leave that for you to ponder on. But, I am sad to inform you, that calling me and going off due to the insecurities you are feeling in your own relationship or lack thereof with my beloved boyfriend's brother, is just pathetic and downright bat-shit crazy. Oh, my dear, do you know what bat shit crazy means? I'll just go ahead and define it for you via urbandictionary.com,

bat shit crazy: Crazy to a degree bordering on complete insanity. The state in which one makes decisions which make the exact opposite of sense Now, that you are aware of the definition of bat shit crazy, please STOP calling me. You are acting PSYCHO. I'm little, but I'm feisty. If you'd like me to say mean things about you, believe me, I'm as snarky as they come. I can make that happen. Unfortunately, it's just not worth my time. I'm just trying to help a girl out. STOP BEING CRAZY, STOP BEING CRAZY WITH CAPITAL LETTERS CAH-RAZY. Sincerely, Your ex-boyfriend's brother's girlfriend. PS-In case, I don't respond to your calls or voicemails immediately or EVER, I have changed your name in my phone to "Don't Answer". So, I will automatically assume that I should not answer and will screen your calls. Then, I will see Don't Answer's left me a voicemail and will delete without listening. Well, this is because if your name is "don't answer", then, there is probably a pretty good reason why your name is listed that way in my phone; so, listening to a whiny voicemail about not being able to voice my opinion is just not something I'm diggin. Ya hear me. Love ya to death. Xoxo kisses and hugs=)