Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hmmmm....


You know kind of like yesterday's post, this one was difficult for me to write. I try not to get too personal on this blog because I like it to be fun! But sometimes, it's just nice to get it all out there... When I was in my teens and continued on into my twenties, I would get these bad cramps, have a long cycle, and wasn't "regular". At around twenty, my OBGYN put me on the pill to regulate all these symptoms. Not to mention, I had a "light" case of acne as my dermo describd it to me it was just awful and there was a new pill that took care of that as well. So, he put me on ortho-tricyclen. I've been on it ever since. My cramps decreased, had regular monthly cycles, shortened my cycle, and acne was getting better. Well, that's been almost 12 years now.

When I was younger, I was never the girl who couldn't wait to get married. I was the girl who couldn't wait to see the world. I wanted to do so many things in life and in all reality, I think I just wanted to live. I think part of that stems from seeing my own mother's life.  She married at 18, had me at 22, and only lived for her family. I didn't want that. I wanted to go and see things and do things that didn't require me to be tied down in a sense. I came to the conclusion in my latter twenties that if marriage happened, awesome. If not, I'd just keep on keeping on, doing and exploring myself and the world. And as we all know, I ended up getting married...

I wasn't ever really big on kids. In fact, I'd always said when I was younger that I didn't want any. That has changed. I'm going to be honest with you. The reason I've put myself on a shopping hiatus and haven't bought any new "pretties" constantly like I used to is because I want to have a baby. I'm finishing my masters this spring, and we are honeymooning at the beginning of July. No need in buying any new clothes just in case we do get pregnant. Who knows if I'll be able to fit back into them.

At the end of May, I've decided to quit taking the ortho-tri. I know I shouldn't even think about it until the time comes, but I am so scared that we will not be able to have a baby because I have been on the medicine for so long. It consumes my thoughts alot. I know the doctor has told me that it depends on your body and that's not true, but still, it lingers.

I think my biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to be a mother. It makes me even tear up writing this post. And I can't really talk about it to my friends about it. I could, don't get me wrong, but there's not one who's gone through this. Half of them aren't ready/don't want a baby; the other half are already mothers. So right now, that's where my thoughts lie. I'm trying to not think about it, but I have baby fever in the worst way. I am trying to find strength in the fact that we will have to cross this bridge when the time comes and to not worry about what hasn't or will happen yet.

Anyways, sorry for the somber post...just needed to get it out. 


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17 comments:

Jacqui said...

I went through the same thing when I want off the pill in 2010, although it took longer then I would have wanted I can now say my little angel will be 4 months next week. I can 100% relate to what you are going through right now. Just remember that is does take time but to relax and it will happen!

Carissa said...

I read your blog daily but I don't comment much, however, I had to comment on this post. My system is pretty much the same as yours, never been regular then I was put on the pill to regulate myself. And just like you I didn't really think about kids until I got engaged and thought about my future, however in the middle of planning my wedding for May 2012 I found out last June that I was pregnant and I'm due in February 2012. So I say I know its weighing heavy on your heart but leave it in Gods hands and if its in his will you will have the desires of your heart. I too at one time thought I would have a hard time getting pregnant or wouldn't be able to have kids ay all due to my system but God had other plans, and He has the final say so no matter what the doctors say! I hope this is encouraging to you and I'm here to talk because I have once felt the same way.

Kathryn said...

You're totally not alone in those thoughts, I promise :)

Leah said...

That was/is my biggest fear too. We started "trying" a little over a year ago. It's been a long journey but no matter what it will happen- one way or another. Just don't lose faith. I've had friends who get off the pill and it happens right away. Try not to think about it to much.

Natasha said...

from one girl to another, i used to have those same fears...i think that is only natural to think we can't have a baby. however, just try to be happy and enjoy time as a newlywed and leave the rest to God--but it's never too early to start taking prenatal vitamins...the gummies are the best and they can only help the process!!

Mrs. S said...

girl.. I have been really struggling with this. Been off the pill since October and sometimes get so worried that I won't be able to have a baby- I work myself in a awful tizzy. Don't worry God already has it all worked out!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

We're so similar in that I didn't grow up wanting to be married and a mother. And now in my mid 30's and unmarried, fear of never being a mother CONSUMES my every waking hour. So while I am not TTC, I can relate in a lot of ways. I really don't thnk taking hte pill is going to be your big issue. I think though that you might want to get your body fully checked out. As I get older, I am constantly amazed by how many perfectly healthy friends have hidden issues that make it hard to get prego. I don't say that to scare you- just to be honest. After that, give it time. Which is the worst thing you want to hear- I know. I have every faith that you WILL be a momma one day- one way or another. And until then, feel free to use your blog to vent it out. That's what we're all here for- to support you!

emily eve said...

I haven't ever commented on your blog but I've been reading for a few weeks now. I felt compelled to leave a comment since I have the same fears. But I will say I took ortho-tri for 6 years and missed a few pills and oops my daughter was born 10 months later so it can definitely happen although like you said every one is different.

After my daughter I had the Mirena IUD put in. I just recently had to have surgery to have it removed(not usual) so that we can start trying as soon as we get married next June. I'm back on ortho-tri in the meantime. I've read numerous stories of how women suffer multiple miscarriages after having the IUD and I've also read some women get pregnant the very next cycle after removal. I suppose I can only place it in God's hands.

I wish you the best of the luck. I absolutely love being a mother. No other feeling like it in the world.

CowgirlEsq said...

I actually worry about not being able to have kids when the time comes. I don't have a reason to worry, but I know I want to be a mom, so oddly, I think about it already. It's scary, but I am sure that being in the position where you want to start trying soon makes it scarier. I will keep you in my prayers!

Lil' Woman said...

I know I have been a terrible commenter but I wanted to weigh in and let you know that I am in the same boat right now. I haven't been on the pill for a very long time but I am scared that once me and the hubs do start trying that it won't happen and it scares the shit out of me.

It might be because I've read so many blogs of women who have desperately tried with no success. There is really no reason I should have this fear, I'm regular, I'm, decently healthy, all things seem to be in working order but that fear is still there.

I am so glad you shared this and please know you are not the only one. The hubs and I are also budgeting and trying to get all our ducks in a row.

Muffy said...

OH MY GOSH-- this post could not have come at a better time! I was debating posting about this myself.

I decided last week that if we wanted to conceive in 2012, I should prob get off the pill since I'd been on it for nearly 10 years. I googled side effects and I am PETRIFIED! So many people are having problems!!! I pray that we have no problems and our cycles adjust normally, but holy cow, I regret ever getting on the pill at all now!

Keep us updated on your progress!!!

Muffy said...

PS: I think you will be TOTALLY fine. I read the hormones leave your body within DAYS and are completely gone-- it is just a matter of your bosy learning how to ovulate on its own again, which will take a little time. I think you will be okay!!!

aLiCia* said...

I think it's totally normal to have those fears! I do and I'm not even ready to have kiddos! Stay positive, lady. It will definitely work out.

Proper Primer said...

So. I'm going to be awkwardly honest in this comment. I've followed you for years, it's fine. I'm with you. I had lady issues on the front end and have been on bc for almost 10 years. My fella and I have very much decided that we're going to get married and we both want children....like this year. What if my lady issues caused permanent damage? What if I can't get pregnant? It is hard. I've been to every person in my life's baby shower this year. I'm sorry! I'll pray for you and starting your family.

Sarah Beth - Dixie Gator Gal said...

I had been on the pill for years and went off in May to give my body a few months to regulate so we could start trying. Well it didn't even take a few months, we got pregnant immediately and our little guy will be here any day now. It all happens in Gods time. Read what to expect before your expecting, it should answer a lot of your questions and prepare you for lifes next adventure.

Northshore Prep said...

My doctor (at 16 yrs old) told me I would not ever be able to have children b/c my periods were non-existant (what an awful thing to say to a child - and she never did any tests to back up her claim!), but at the time I was thrilled! Like you I wanted to travel and have fun. Today, I no longer am 'thrilled' about what she told me. However, I figure (and this took me a LONG time to get here) whatever happens happens...God has a plan. So hubby and I are trying and we will see. I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Oh friend, I can so relate. I am not really in the same phase of life as you, but having been on the pill for the better part of the past 6 years... yeah, I understand the worry. I wouldn't fret about it yet. Your babies will come to you. Praying for you to have peace...

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