You know kind of like yesterday's post, this one was difficult for me to write. I try not to get too personal on this blog because I like it to be fun! But sometimes, it's just nice to get it all out there... When I was in my teens and continued on into my twenties, I would get these bad cramps, have a long cycle, and wasn't "regular". At around twenty, my OBGYN put me on the pill to regulate all these symptoms. Not to mention, I had a "light" case of acne as my dermo describd it
When I was younger, I was never the girl who couldn't wait to get married. I was the girl who couldn't wait to see the world. I wanted to do so many things in life and in all reality, I think I just wanted to live. I think part of that stems from seeing my own mother's life. She married at 18, had me at 22, and only lived for her family. I didn't want that. I wanted to go and see things and do things that didn't require me to be tied down in a sense. I came to the conclusion in my latter twenties that if marriage happened, awesome. If not, I'd just keep on keeping on, doing and exploring myself and the world. And as we all know, I ended up getting married...
I wasn't ever really big on kids. In fact, I'd always said when I was younger that I didn't want any. That has changed. I'm going to be honest with you. The reason I've put myself on a shopping hiatus and haven't bought any new "pretties" constantly like I used to is because I want to have a baby. I'm finishing my masters this spring, and we are honeymooning at the beginning of July. No need in buying any new clothes just in case we do get pregnant. Who knows if I'll be able to fit back into them.
At the end of May, I've decided to quit taking the ortho-tri. I know I shouldn't even think about it until the time comes, but I am so scared that we will not be able to have a baby because I have been on the medicine for so long. It consumes my thoughts alot. I know the doctor has told me that it depends on your body and that's not true, but still, it lingers.
I think my biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to be a mother. It makes me even tear up writing this post. And I can't really talk about it to my friends about it. I could, don't get me wrong, but there's not one who's gone through this. Half of them aren't ready/don't want a baby; the other half are already mothers. So right now, that's where my thoughts lie. I'm trying to not think about it, but I have baby fever in the worst way. I am trying to find strength in the fact that we will have to cross this bridge when the time comes and to not worry about what hasn't or will happen yet.
Anyways, sorry for the somber post...just needed to get it out.