Friday, March 29, 2013

I am d.e.f.e.c.t.i.v.e.

The title of my post is how I feel today. I feel my husband got short-changed. I feel I got short-changed. Yesterday was one of the most emotionally taxing days of my life. No joke.

My obgyn definitively said she believes I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). So disheartening. My symptoms are that I have irregular cycles which prevent me from ovulating or not ovulating often, and my lining measures thin. It was so hard to hear that. I broke down crying because I was just so overwhelmed and emotionally checked out. Not to mention the situation that had happened me right before I entered her office. Honestly, I really really like my ob. She just politely gave me some tissue and said she understands how overwhelmed it feels. Luckily, my doctor was really pleased with my medication results so far and said she's very optimistic for us.

I had a regular cycle last month and according to an OPK, I ovulated. I did get a negative the next day, and then the day after, another positive. She said she couldn't really explain that but was excited I got a surge. She decided to not put me on a fertility drug yet. She is hoping the met will help me regulate and get to ovulating on my own. Which would mean that we would have a chance of conceiving without the risk of multiples. It was a lot to take in... they weren't exactly the results I was hoping for, but we'll just take it one day at a time. If my cycle starts on time and I get a positive on my kit again, I will have blood work done 7 days after the positive in order to see if I truly ovulated.

Yesterday was full of heightened emotions. When I entered the building, I ran into a girl I used to be friends with. She's pregnant. I live in a fairly large city. It's not small by any means. Of all the times/places, seriously. SERIOUSLY! She always made fun of people who were married and made fun of people with kids. And, even she's having a baby. I'm assuming the constant belittling of marriage and kids was just a facade, but still I was very awkward as I was waiting for the elevator. To decrease the level of awkwardness, I asked how wedding planning was going, and she replied good. Then, she just blurted out that she was finding out the gender of her baby. I wanted to stab my eyeballs out right then and there. I think what irritated me the most was that I didn't ask about her baby. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to hear about it! Either A) she still reads my blog and said it out of spite or B) it was a mere coincidence. Either way, I felt the elevator couldn't come fast enough.

That is just an example of how infertility brings out the worst. It made me angry at another person's joy. Deep down, I am happy for her as hard as it may seem. I think God puts things/people in your life for a reason, and for some reason, God feels she needs this baby.

Infertility makes you feel not worthy, it makes you feel sad, it makes you feel like God is punishing you, it makes you feel jealous, it makes you feel envious, it makes you feel mad, it makes you mad at God, and worst of all, it makes you feel broken.

I have found lately that I have to do a lot of praying. I had to pray last night for God to forgive me for being so mad at my ex-friend, for being so mad at myself, for being mad at Him, for feeling sorry for myself, and to be able to accept that I cannot change things. I cannot not have PCOS. I truly am happy when I hear of my friends or "internet" friends getting pregnant.  For me, it is what it is, and I will just keep trying. Because in all reality, what else can I do?

I have chosen to show the good and the bad on this blog. I am human; therefore, I err. Please don't judge me.


Suburban prep said...

I wish only the best for you.
I was diagnosed with DVT shortly after I got married. I was on blood thinners for 2 1/2 yrs and then hemorrhaged and had to be taken off of them. I had to learn how to tend to my DVT with doctor supervision and naturally. Due to all that I have not been able to have a child. I am the oldest (of 7 siblings) and I figure that I am going to be the good aunt.
I have a younger sister who was pregnant when she found out she had stage 4 cancer. With all the cancer treatment and radiation she was not able to have her own child. I have a beautiful almost 10 yr old niece that was adopted from China. (This sister had given birth to a little girl 10 months before the cancer diagnosis and the baby lived for two hours-- the baby she was pregnant with when she found out she had cancer miscarried).
I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
Please know praying is a wonderful way to help figure out what to do. PCOS is not a marker that you will not get pregnant it just makes it a "bit" more difficult.
Hoping for the best for you and your husband.

Angela Alpaugh said...

I am sending you so much love and good thoughts across the miles. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. Lifting prayers up for you.

katherinebee said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I also have PCOS and thin lining issues, and the heartbreak and isolation I've been dealing with for years now is not something I'd wish on anyone. I hope that they're able to to treat you easily and that things work out for you quickly!

Natalie said...

Hi, I follow you on Twitter (@natylite78) but I've never commented before. I will keep you in my prayers. My husband and I tried for two years before I got pregnant. I ached every time a friend announced she was pregnant and I hate myself for it. I worked in social services at the time and would read about people neglecting their kids. And thought, they could have a kid but we can't? I did not have PCOS but possible Endometriosis. My dr had referred us to a fertility specialist. I prayed hard about it and felt God told me it wasn't yet the right time. I turned all my anxiety over to Jesus. It's the only way I could survive. Every day I would pray "Please God show me how you want me to be a mother".

Keep praying and listen to your gut. I found staying off Google helped. I hope you get your resolution soon.

Love, Natalie

Sara Cate said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay brave and strong; He always has a plan for us.

Muffy said...

Sending you prayers of peace and to free you from anxiety. I know I've experienced some similar feelings on our road to baby and they just make you feel really awful. I'm thinking of you and know this is just one part of the story that is to come!!! Staying hopeful and positive for you-- you're doing all the right things now. We just need to wait and hope for the best. I do know MANY women who have had children even with PCOS. God bless you friend!

Diary of a Southern Belle said...

Just remain positive, stay prayed up, do as your doctor advises, trust your instincts, and keep your emotions in tack.

This belle will keep you in her prayers.

Tarin said...

I am a longtime reader of your blog and just love it. Thank you for sharing this as my husband and I are going through a similar situation. My OB started me on Chlomid this month. It does give you those feelings like you've somehow failed... I have those same jealous moments too. Best of luck with everything. I just have to keep telling myself God has a plan; that helps. :)

Thinking Through My Thirties said...

I have just started following your blog...I found it through Sarah at Moske Monkey Business. I wanted to share with you that I know exactly what you are going through. I also have PCOS. I watched my friends and coworkers have babies for the last several years, and it was so hard to be happy for them while I desperately tried for a baby of my own. My husband and I tried on our own for a long time (3 years), and then finally, after my third round of Clomid, it happened. My sweet baby boy will be one on April 22nd. Please don't give up hope...God will let you know when the time is right!

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Oh girl, I can't even imagine. This is just so unfair, it SUCKS>

It sucks that our bodies are just so uncooperative.

I just know that someday you are going to have a sweet baby in your arms. I know that doesn't make it any better now, and that sucks.


Sarah said...

I have no idea how you must be feeling but I am praying for you.

NL said...

I am a blogger and I randomly came across your page. I have PCOS, and it has been so difficult. I know exactly what you're feeling. You turn around and see babies everywhere, its what you long for, and then theres opks, charts, kits, bfn's that leave you asking "whats wrong with me?".

Then youll look up info. online and youll hear people who took clomid, then people say oh no go natural just change what you eat....

Listen to your heart, pray, and stay strong.

I suggest you visit and her facebook , page, she always has useful info, helped me a lot. xo

Unknown said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too have PCOS and struggled for two years and did 3 rounds of Clomid. I think you said it perfectly, there is an envy and an ache you feel when others have a baby. You are happy for them but you want it so much.

I started eating a PCOS specific diet and doing acupuncture and that worked! Good luck to you. As one of the other comments said, PCOS does not mean you won't get pregnant it means it is much harder.

Kathryn said...

I think you're feelings are totally normal, and justified. I know it's hard. Sending you happy thoughts!

Misty, Handbags + Handguns said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. One of my best friends has just started fertility treatments. I've been praying for her. I'll pray for you too.

Heidi {Tales From a Suburban Housewife} said...

Reading your post makes my heart go out to you. I love your honesty. Sending prayers and love your way!

Andie said...

I struggled for many years with infertility due to endometriosis and fibroids. I know that feeling of isolation and feeling jealous and angry at friends who were getting pregnant with what seemed like no effort at all.

I know it is hard. It is really hard. I found that having a support system (other women in your situation) helped me. My older sister struggled with similar problems so I was able to lean on her.

Know that there are MANY of us here in blogland that have been in your boat. I was told I couldn't get pregnant- after my husband and I did the whole adoption process and got our approval, I found out I was pregnant.

There was a great book that we were given during our adoption process called Adopting after infertility that was great. It was amazing that the writer laid out all of the feelings I had been having with regards to my infertility all of these years. It's OK to be angry, to feel like you do.

The one thing I can say is that your doctor did give you some hope and that she thinks she can help you. Keep the faith. HUGS!


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