For me, this little online space of mine is therapeutic. I have typed this post I don't know how many times and then, deleted it every time. I think I have been avoiding this post because, to me, it makes it real.
For the first time during this whole ordeal, I was really positive. I was really expecting positive results. However, they were not. I am still not ovulating even on this medicine. My level is a 5.2--whatever the heck that means. Then came what I was hoping it would never come to...the fertility drug talk. The nurse explained that I can either keep just using the met for a little bit and see if that will eventually work, or I can add clomid to the regimen. For those of you who don't know, clomid is a fertility drug. I just began to cry. I didn't know what else to do. The poor nurse was like are you crying? I'm so sorry. We will help you get your baby. But the truth is, she doesn't really know if they can help me get my baby. And, it hurts. But she was so nice, and for that, I am grateful. All too often, even as a teacher, I think we get desensitized to situations that happen daily. She could have been that way, but I think she felt genuinely sorry for me. And it was somewhat comforting at such a dark moment to have someone say something positive even if I didn't believe it.
We decided to have blood work done again one more time to check ovulation again before I start clomid. I thought that would be best because I have no idea how my body will react to clomid. If that is what it comes to after the blood work, at least it will be during the summer while I'm at home.
Luckily for me, I have become good friends with one of the teachers at my school. I have no idea what I would be doing without her during this. She has PCOS. I feel like she is the only one who understands how I feel and what I go through. I am so thankful she is in my life! :)
This weekend is hard. All the posts on Facebook of mothers and daughters. All the pregnant women I see, all the pregnant women I hear complain, and all of the things I might never be is what I've seen and heard the past week. It's hard.
I hope this situation doesn't make me bitter because bitter is a pathetic sight to see...