For me, this little online space of mine is therapeutic. I have typed this post I don't know how many times and then, deleted it every time. I think I have been avoiding this post because, to me, it makes it real.
For the first time during this whole ordeal, I was really positive. I was really expecting positive results. However, they were not. I am still not ovulating even on this medicine. My level is a 5.2--whatever the heck that means. Then came what I was hoping it would never come to...the fertility drug talk. The nurse explained that I can either keep just using the met for a little bit and see if that will eventually work, or I can add clomid to the regimen. For those of you who don't know, clomid is a fertility drug. I just began to cry. I didn't know what else to do. The poor nurse was like are you crying? I'm so sorry. We will help you get your baby. But the truth is, she doesn't really know if they can help me get my baby. And, it hurts. But she was so nice, and for that, I am grateful. All too often, even as a teacher, I think we get desensitized to situations that happen daily. She could have been that way, but I think she felt genuinely sorry for me. And it was somewhat comforting at such a dark moment to have someone say something positive even if I didn't believe it.
We decided to have blood work done again one more time to check ovulation again before I start clomid. I thought that would be best because I have no idea how my body will react to clomid. If that is what it comes to after the blood work, at least it will be during the summer while I'm at home.
Luckily for me, I have become good friends with one of the teachers at my school. I have no idea what I would be doing without her during this. She has PCOS. I feel like she is the only one who understands how I feel and what I go through. I am so thankful she is in my life! :)
This weekend is hard. All the posts on Facebook of mothers and daughters. All the pregnant women I see, all the pregnant women I hear complain, and all of the things I might never be is what I've seen and heard the past week. It's hard.
I hope this situation doesn't make me bitter because bitter is a pathetic sight to see...
10 comments:
Oh Sweetie! You are in my prayers. I know that pain, I went through a very similar situation about 11-12 years ago. If you ever need an ear, feel free to message me.
I'm so glad I have gotten to know you too. It helps to have someone close by that understands and listens, especially today of all days. All I've been able to do today is try to keep keep the faith and know one day it will happen for both of us.
I'm so happy to read your post today. I am so so happy for all my friends and family but seeing all those posts on IG and FB are just killing me today. I'm not usually like this, but 6 years later it has really started to get to me. I just keep praying and you know I'll be orating for you too. ; ) I love you and I know this will happen for you soon. By the way, Shane has been on clomid for 2 years now. I think men and women's react a little bit differently to it though. He didn't like the way it made him feel at first but he's gotten used to it now. Love you girl. ; )
Oh I am so sorry! I get why today is so hard for you. It is for me too. I also walked along this path for about six years with my Bestie (www.bufordbetty). If you are ever up for it, go to her blog because she has allll that she went through very well documented on there. Some of the information might help you.
Adding you to my prayers tonight!
KK
www.preppypinkcrocodile.com
If there was anything I could do to help or make this better, I would do it on a heart beat. But since nothing could possibly do that, I'll just offer you my prayers.
You're not alone. If you check into my blog, look for the entry 'Where are the bio-babies?' I know EXACTLY how you feel sugar.
I forgot to send the link: http://cnnotte.blogspot.com/2013/04/where-are-bio-babies.html
I have PCOS and I have an idea of where you are right now. If you knew the end results of ferility treatments in the beginning it would make it easier. It was one of the most frustrsting experiences I have been through. For my first metformin did not help at all, clomid did nothing, but Gonal- F injections did. The injections were not horrible and we were so lucky, the first month I got pregnant. She is 5 and was born in the parking lot! When we tried to get pregnant again, metformin regulated me and did the trick. Sadly we had another issue, keeping a pregnancy. My body then went back to not being regulated, we decided we were done and well.... surprise, my youngest is now 2.
The sad but lucky thing I suppose is that you know what is causing the infertility. Clomid does cause some mood swings, but it works for many peopld and if not you still have options. But the process sucks, no one gets it unless you have been through it.
Praying for you friend...if you need to talk you can feel free to email me. jennifercasey11@yahoo.com
Oh honey, you are in my prayers!
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