The Ex

Best friend that is. Have you ever had a friend that you were so close with, maybe lived with, shared good times and bad, shared secrets with, laughed so hard with them til snot came out of your nose, and so forth. I had one of those. We were different as night and day. She was a few years younger than me, but we became friends instantly after meeting. We eventually became roommates and best friends. We shared the same love for clothes and a good time, but other than that, we were very different. I am a very independent person. She is a very co-dependent person. She always has to be dating or have a boyfriend. I, not so much. She would be upset if she went more than two weeks without a date. Also, she's not the best at handling her alcohol either. Last year, she and our circle of friends just couldn't get along. Honestly, looking back, she was 25 and going through the quarter life crisis in my opinion. We've all been there, but we're through it. We tried offering her advice, and to no avail, it did no good. I just think our group and she were going in different directions. To me, friendships are like relationships. They require work and effort on both parts. All people need to be on the same page or recognize work that needs to be done. You need to be wanting the same things and wanting to go in the same direction. I think we all were heading South per se, and she seemed to be going North. It all came to an end last Summer, when we decided to dissolve our friendship. So, it's been about a year roughly since I've spoken to her. But, throughout this whole year, I've felt like I was back in middle school again. It seemed our circle and her circle just trash talk each other like no tomorrow. After awhile, I was just over the whole situation. I mean who cares. That was like a year ago. I'm almost 30 years old for pete's sake. You don't want to be my friend, nor I yours. Fine. No use in bad mouthing each other you know. We're better than that. This isn't 7th grade where I write bad things about you on the bathroom stall. I'm over it. I actually miss her sometimes. She was my roommate. We shared the same space. Some times, you just need a break when things get too crazy. Time to regroup and to start anew. Step #8 from Alcoholics Anonymous states, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." No people, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a Christian. A newborn Christian that is. I was raised to believe in God, but my parents aren't overtly religious. I became Catholic on Easter, and my goal is to try to be a better person and a better Christian. I think and still believe that she owes me an apology. There was a lot that went unsaid, unexplained. But you know what, who cares who talks first. At the end of the day, while you lay your head on your pillow, it's only you and God. Whoever your God might be. It's about doing good things and being a good person. It's not about holding grudges. Maybe, that person is hurting. Maybe, you are the one person who brings a smile to their face, keeps them alive, keeps them facing their day. Well, my point in writing this is, yesterday, on the way to work. I saw my ex-best friend's car on the side of the interstate. She takes the same route to work as I do. I didn't stop; because, I was running late. But, for the next 5 minutes after seeing her car, I kept wondering, "What if she's not okay? What if she needs help?". When I got to work, I decided to bite the bullet and talk first. I messaged her and said I know it's been awhile since we've spoke, but that I saw her car and wondered was she okay and did she need help. I was so nervous. This girl used to be my best friend. I literally was nauseous thinking what if she thinks I'm an idiot. We haven't spoke or had any kind of communication in over a year. Finally, she responded that she thought her battery had died and thanks for asking. I replied that it was no problem and if she needed a ride to work to let me know since we don't work far from each other that I would take her if needed and I was worried. She eventually said that she had actually run out of gas and her father had brought her some and asked to catch up next week sometime. Regardless of whether or not the catching up happens, I finally feel at peace about the situation. I feel like when I go out now this tension will be gone, and the simple head nod or a small hello would be an olive branch. Those small gestures will be better than catty eyes and whispers; because, that's what girls do. Even though, I know my friend circle will probably not agree and probably would not have called, but I know that later down the road if I found out that something had happened to her, I would not have been able to live with the fact that I did nothing. I am learning being the bigger person is harder than being the bitter one.