Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Staying Positive

I have been trying hard lately focusing on being positive instead of negative. It's so easy to be negative and snarky. It's a day to day struggle trying to NOT focus on all the bad things going on, but instead, focus on the good things. These are my insecurities. These are my day to day struggles. I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm a work in progress. I don't usually get too personal on this blog, but why not? It's mine. Why the heck not. Quoting RevRunWisdom..."This is real talk"
For example....yesterday, I was late too work because my exit ramp to get on to the interstate was backed up beyond recognition. I was so annoyed. When I finally came close enough to realize what the backup was, I was ashamed at my annoyance. It was backed up because the intersecting highway exit was really backed up merging into my exit lane. You know why? Because the city/towns where these people are coming from are flooded. One of their parkways is shut down due to the flooding. I was humbled. I have a home. A home that wasn't flooded.  I have my belongings and a dry car.

And if being late wasn't enough, I used my whole entire lunch break on some nonsense. I went to the grocery store near my office to stock up on my lunch food for the work week. I'm almost finished with self-checkout when it asked for my payment. Of course, my wallet is nowhere in my purse because it is still sitting on my desk. I have to go all the way back to work to retrieve said wallet and hurry back to the store. By the time I get back, I have barely enough time to scarf my food down. I felt rushed and irritated, but then I reminded myself that I have food. There are people out there starving, and have you seen me? Yeah, I don't have that problem.

I weighed myself today. Yeah, that whole being comfortable in my own skin crap...it comes in waves for me. I get really content and then other times, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and dissect every inch and long to be something else. I'm not ashamed. I'm at 124.6 according to "my" scale this morning. I want to be 120. But then I think, when/if I get to 120, will I be happy then. Is it ever really enough??? I have made a pact with myself that if I get to 120. THAT IS ENOUGH. And if I don't, well, that's okay too! It's time to get back to being comfortable in my own skin again. So, I'm keeping positive about that, and it's hard.

At times, I feel what I do isn't important. I call myself a lowly assistant and a to-go girl. I am a licensed teacher (4-8). Wanna know the real reason I'm not a teacher??? Because, my friends at the time of grad school was ending for me had these awesome jobs...I felt like being a teacher wasn't as successful. I felt like being a teacher was inadequate. So, I took the assistant job as a foot in the door to "bigger" and "better" things. Now, I am more ashamed to be an "assistant" than I would ever be to consider myself a teacher. LC and our friends went out to dinner for my birthday, and we girls were discussing jobs and student loans. I made the comment well, I'm just a lowly assistant blah blah blah, and one of the girls looked at me and said, "Don't ever call yourself a lowly assistant. You make a difference in the world no matter what you do." That really made me take a step back and put things into perspective. Sure, I don't have this amazing business job or some high profile career, but what I do, someone's gotta do it. Someone's gotta do the bullsh!t paperwork and someone's gotta put your food in a to-go box for you to take home. So, now, my outlook is that no matter what I do, do it well. I am doing it to the best of my ability. And, I'm learning all the way....

Sometimes, I get angry at God for my parents being ill. My mother has thyroid cancer. I went most of the Winter being upset because my mother's levels weren't where they should and was hoping it wasn't spreading or whatever else can happen. Thank goodness it was just the change in dosage in her medicine which has been regulated. Now, my mom has *hopefully* one last radiation treatment. At the end of the month, she has to go to the doctor two days in a row and take a shot. On the third day, she goes to get bloodwork done, and then, she's off to the hospital. She must wait while the hospital orders her medicine. The medicine is so extreme they don't even keep it onsite. She gets there, and it's delivered in an hour. She can't be around people for a few days. The medicine makes her radiate. Alot of the time, I think why. Why, my mom? Sure she can be a tad dramatic:) but she's the best person in the world. She's the most unselfish, caring human being I know. She's the best mom anyone could ask for. She's given up so many things to make sure I had enough. And at times, I am scared. I am scared for her. Instead of being mad now, I kneel on that bench every week before Mass starts, and I pray. I pray for my Mother.  I pray that God heals her, and I pray to God that I am thankful that I still have my mother here. She is still here with me. That's my positive.

And, I still deal with a demon I've battled for a long time, and that's my uncle's death. My uncle was like my big brother. He took me everywhere. We did everything together. He was awesome. He was my best friend. He got into trouble with gambling, and honestly, I don't even want to think about the types of people he owed money to. And ladies, I'm not talking about banks. It's a scary thought. I remember being 15, and you know how it is when you're 15. You only care about yourself. That's just how it is. My uncle was over my house, and I remember feeling something wasn't quite right. I remember asking him if he was okay, but deep down, I knew he was not. I didn't ask any further. I just wanted to hurry up and go watch tv with my friend. A week later, I was skating with my friends when my mother paged me and asked if I'd seen my uncle which I had not. I'll never forget the next day. My mother woke me up much earlier than normal, and it was May 23rd. The sky was as blue as blue could be, and it was a sunny day. It was the most beautiful day and not a cloud in the sky, and it is still as vivid in my mind as it was when I stepped outside those 15 years ago. The reason why my mother woke me up so early was because my uncle had committed suicide. Suicide is the most selfish thing I can think of. It doesn't solve anything. And for years, many, many years I have struggled with that guilt. The guilt of what if I go could back and tell my 15 year old self to do something about it. I would tell her to stop and talk to her uncle until she got out of him what it was that would take him to such a dire extreme. I lived and am still living with the guilt, and what I didn't do for a long time. My parents did not put me in therapy. I should have been there. I never knew how to let it go....but with time and work, I am. I'm working on it. What happened was not my fault. And while I kneel every Mass and pray for my Mother, I pray for my uncle. I pray that his soul is at peace and for me to be at peace with that. And, trust me, it's a day to day struggle every day. I miss him.

These are just the major things I deal with on a day to day basis. I must say it is so much easier to be negative, and it's much harder to be positive. Now, I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be thankful for what I have. It could always be worse....

26 comments:

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

Well lookey there, it's the real you. I hardly recognized you, if not for your cute little face over there on the left. Love your "real talk"
Today I hope you are walking on sunshine.

House Queen said...

Girl...I hope something absolutely amazing happens in your life to give you the motivation and inspiration you need. I love your quote in the picture! I think you are amazing and look amazing! 124 would be ENOUGH for me! Have a most fabulous Tuesday and count your blessings...TWICE!!

Kristen said...

i liked the real talk post. i will pray hard for you..for everything you mentioned. you are great person and should not feel guilt and it is never too late for therapy. trust me. :)

Elle said...

Great post honey... sometimes it's hard to open up, and sometimes it's just a big relief to say these things out loud (or rather write them down for all blogland to see)...

Luckily when we know we can't do these things... we have a God who can... a few weeks ago I was having a difficult conversation and I was thinking to myself "I can't do this" and then it just hit me... of course you can't because you aren't supposed to do it on your own... God can do it, and you're supposed to let Him... it doesn't make it easy, but it definitely keeps me from feeling hopeless!

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Praying for you so much!! I know it feels awful to let all these thoughts out sometimes.... but you never know how many people you are helping by sharing what you are going through.

Prayers for you mom too.

(Sorry, wish I had the "right" words to say... but I just don't :/ )

The Davis Daily said...

hey girl! I do the same thing catch myself being negative and then wonder "what for." I have to say I am pretty lucky.
Now I just have to get over the whole rushing the week thing, that is hard too. So glad you told me you had a blog.

Sole Matters said...

"These are just the major things I deal with on a day to day basis. I must say it is so much easier to be negative, and it's much harder to be positive. Now, I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be thankful for what I have. It could always be worse...."

THAT is so true. i loved this post. so real and raw. i struggle with a few of the same things too. hope things start looking up!

The Davis Daily said...

hey girl! I do the same thing catch myself being negative and then wonder "what for." I have to say I am pretty lucky.
Now I just have to get over the whole rushing the week thing, that is hard too. So glad you told me you had a blog.

Sara said...

Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. I too struggle with my job. It doesn't every feel important. Ever. And, yet, I'm lucky to have a job right now.

I cannot imagine how I would feel if my mom were sick. Moms are supposed to take care of us, right? It's so hard to imagine your rock as the person who needs the healing. I'll be praying for you.

Christin said...

Thanks for sharing. I have those days, too (today being one of them). Keep your chin up.

Natalie said...

Some of the best advice I ever heard, I got at an AA meeting with a family member. One of the first things the program teaches you is Let go & Let God. I think we all have those moments sometimes where we get overwhelmed with life.

xo Queen Bee xo said...

Hi lady ~
I get pretty down on myself about stuff too and it does just seem easier to be snarky & negative.
Just remember you have good friends (old & ahem new) who are there for you for anything even if it is just a laugh or a cup of coffee!! Hang in there and see you soon!! xoxo

Melissa said...

As a middle school teacher, I completely understand the pressure you felt about teaching not being "good enough," so to say, in comparison to the rest of your friends. I hope you are at least happy with your current job, and if not, give teaching a try! I have my good and bad days, but I wouldn't trade the good ones for anything in the world! :)

Piper Jacquelyn said...

I often get quite snarky. I hate when I do it, but that attitude just sneaks it's little self on in there sometimes! I love this post because it's such a great way to think - very inspirational and very much dead on in the way that we should all think each and every day!!

PreppyBumpkin said...

Thanks for getting real ~ wish I had something out of this world awesome to say, but I don't.

Praying for you, and your mother. You've got so much on your plate right now!

Day Old News said...

The best thing about tough days is that when we are kind and positive people, they are few and far between. Sorry you are feeling sad today. Hope a lil marg tomorrow brings a smile back to your face! And you know I'm praying for your mom.

Preppy 101 said...

Do not feel guilty about your uncle. You mustn't do that to yourself. Sweetie, attach all those feelings to a helium balloon and let them go. Turn all your troubles over to God. Let him bear your burdens. I hope today has been a good day for you. Lots of hugs for you. xoxo

Sweet Southern Prep said...

I'm glad you were able to express all of that. This way your outlet of emotions can receive a lot of hopefully helpful feedback in return. And so far, a lot of feedback. :) You are in my prayers, and be strong. Healing will hopefully happen soon.

♥Aubrey said...

It is definitely easier to be negative and see things in that way, but we have to always see the light at the end of the tunnel...as hard as that may be.

That doesn't mean we're not allowed to gripe about it though, because WE SO ARE :)- Lol

Preppy in Pink said...

Good Girl. Just take it one day at a time and do your best thats all that matters. And I'd say 125 is a better weight cause you're way to skinny! :)

Southern Living: Preppy Style said...

This puts my whole Lenten promise to stay positive and try to stay positive thereafter in perspective. Thank you for sharing, know it had to be hard, especially in faith struggles like you're uncle. We all love you and are thinking about you!

Sherrie said...

I remember being in my 2nd year of teaching and my friend was finishing up grad school. I was making in the low 20s and she started out in the 60s. That sucked for me, but I did stick with teaching and it has been an amazing career (and especially nice when raising kids). I do relate to those feelings you had.

And even though I have reached all of my life goals (well except for being at the weight I want), life is still hard and there are days that I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I think if I wasn't such a driven goal oriented person I would sit around all day doing nothing. I have the propensity to be a lazy slacker if it weren't for my to do list! lol

Anonymous said...

tough times...just let it out, grieve hard, miss your uncle, be angry for your mom, be analytical of your choices...and when your eyes open tomorrow, know that these deep pains never fully go away, but you will learn to live with it...then remember your uncle, tend your mother and make those tough choices that make YOU proud...we are proud of you already.

AMS said...

Aw love that photo!

Hope you get the motivation you need, but if you're ever looking for some good words I turn to my favorite poem a lot: http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm.

:)

Legallyblondemel said...

Think we can all relate to those days when you just need to let it all out. I certainly can, and I also understand the guilt that comes with recognizing that some of our problems are "first world problems" compared to those of others. Doesn't make them any less real or painful for us, but I do understand.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family as your mom goes through treatment. That must be so difficult for her to go through & for you to watch.

Nishant said...

i liked the real talk post.
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