I have been trying hard lately focusing on being positive instead of negative. It's so easy to be negative and snarky. It's a day to day struggle trying to NOT focus on all the bad things going on, but instead, focus on the good things. These are my insecurities. These are my day to day struggles. I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm a work in progress. I don't usually get too personal on this blog, but why not? It's mine. Why the heck not. Quoting RevRunWisdom..."This is real talk"
And if being late wasn't enough, I used my whole entire lunch break on some nonsense. I went to the grocery store near my office to stock up on my lunch food for the work week. I'm almost finished with self-checkout when it asked for my payment. Of course, my wallet is nowhere in my purse because it is still sitting on my desk. I have to go all the way back to work to retrieve said wallet and hurry back to the store. By the time I get back, I have barely enough time to scarf my food down. I felt rushed and irritated, but then I reminded myself that I have food. There are people out there starving, and have you seen me? Yeah, I don't have that problem.
I weighed myself today. Yeah, that whole being comfortable in my own skin crap...it comes in waves for me. I get really content and then other times, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and dissect every inch and long to be something else. I'm not ashamed. I'm at 124.6 according to "my" scale this morning. I want to be 120. But then I think, when/if I get to 120, will I be happy then. Is it ever really enough??? I have made a pact with myself that if I get to 120. THAT IS ENOUGH. And if I don't, well, that's okay too! It's time to get back to being comfortable in my own skin again. So, I'm keeping positive about that, and it's hard.
At times, I feel what I do isn't important. I call myself a lowly assistant and a to-go girl. I am a licensed teacher (4-8). Wanna know the real reason I'm not a teacher??? Because, my friends at the time of grad school was ending for me had these awesome jobs...I felt like being a teacher wasn't as successful. I felt like being a teacher was inadequate. So, I took the assistant job as a foot in the door to "bigger" and "better" things. Now, I am more ashamed to be an "assistant" than I would ever be to consider myself a teacher. LC and our friends went out to dinner for my birthday, and we girls were discussing jobs and student loans. I made the comment well, I'm just a lowly assistant blah blah blah, and one of the girls looked at me and said, "Don't ever call yourself a lowly assistant. You make a difference in the world no matter what you do." That really made me take a step back and put things into perspective. Sure, I don't have this amazing business job or some high profile career, but what I do, someone's gotta do it. Someone's gotta do the bullsh!t paperwork and someone's gotta put your food in a to-go box for you to take home. So, now, my outlook is that no matter what I do, do it well. I am doing it to the best of my ability. And, I'm learning all the way....
Sometimes, I get angry at God for my parents being ill. My mother has thyroid cancer. I went most of the Winter being upset because my mother's levels weren't where they should and was hoping it wasn't spreading or whatever else can happen. Thank goodness it was just the change in dosage in her medicine which has been regulated. Now, my mom has *hopefully* one last radiation treatment. At the end of the month, she has to go to the doctor two days in a row and take a shot. On the third day, she goes to get bloodwork done, and then, she's off to the hospital. She must wait while the hospital orders her medicine. The medicine is so extreme they don't even keep it onsite. She gets there, and it's delivered in an hour. She can't be around people for a few days. The medicine makes her radiate. Alot of the time, I think why. Why, my mom? Sure she can be a tad dramatic:) but she's the best person in the world. She's the most unselfish, caring human being I know. She's the best mom anyone could ask for. She's given up so many things to make sure I had enough. And at times, I am scared. I am scared for her. Instead of being mad now, I kneel on that bench every week before Mass starts, and I pray. I pray for my Mother. I pray that God heals her, and I pray to God that I am thankful that I still have my mother here. She is still here with me. That's my positive.
And, I still deal with a demon I've battled for a long time, and that's my uncle's death. My uncle was like my big brother. He took me everywhere. We did everything together. He was awesome. He was my best friend. He got into trouble with gambling, and honestly, I don't even want to think about the types of people he owed money to. And ladies, I'm not talking about banks. It's a scary thought. I remember being 15, and you know how it is when you're 15. You only care about yourself. That's just how it is. My uncle was over my house, and I remember feeling something wasn't quite right. I remember asking him if he was okay, but deep down, I knew he was not. I didn't ask any further. I just wanted to hurry up and go watch tv with my friend. A week later, I was skating with my friends when my mother paged me and asked if I'd seen my uncle which I had not. I'll never forget the next day. My mother woke me up much earlier than normal, and it was May 23rd. The sky was as blue as blue could be, and it was a sunny day. It was the most beautiful day and not a cloud in the sky, and it is still as vivid in my mind as it was when I stepped outside those 15 years ago. The reason why my mother woke me up so early was because my uncle had committed suicide. Suicide is the most selfish thing I can think of. It doesn't solve anything. And for years, many, many years I have struggled with that guilt. The guilt of what if I go could back and tell my 15 year old self to do something about it. I would tell her to stop and talk to her uncle until she got out of him what it was that would take him to such a dire extreme. I lived and am still living with the guilt, and what I didn't do for a long time. My parents did not put me in therapy. I should have been there. I never knew how to let it go....but with time and work, I am. I'm working on it. What happened was not my fault. And while I kneel every Mass and pray for my Mother, I pray for my uncle. I pray that his soul is at peace and for me to be at peace with that. And, trust me, it's a day to day struggle every day. I miss him.
These are just the major things I deal with on a day to day basis. I must say it is so much easier to be negative, and it's much harder to be positive. Now, I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be thankful for what I have. It could always be worse....