Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Letter to my Unborn Child

**I started this post on 6/6/13**

To my Unborn Child, I see mothers posting a post each month describing their babies and writing them tidbits. What a way this day in age allows us to keep our memories. I am not sure when I will meet you, albeit in my womb or from the arms of the mother who so selflessly gave you up for adoption to me. I guess I'm writing you this letter because I want you to know how much we have wanted you. Unfortunately, my body has not made this process easy due to having PCOS. The doctors have put me on medication that made me nauseated all day for a month til my body became accustomed to it. Not to mention, it gives me another side effect that I'm not even going to mention. I am doing all of this just by chance it will help me have you. And doing this by chance in the hopes it gives me answers. If I'm not meant to have children, it will allow me to know adoption is our path. You see I just want you to know how much I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

**Finished on 5/12/15**
It's been almost 2  years since I started this post and a lot of things have changed. The medicine did nothing, yet I stayed on since it regulated something my body doesn't normally do on its own. So, in that respect, it did something. It just didn't do what I wanted it do-- give me a baby. So, we had to go through the IVF process to have you. I was nervous and scared and emailed someone I know that had gone through it before me. I remember in her email she said during her in vitro process she just kept thinking it has to work. It has to work. And I made that my mantra. It has to work. I'll never forget going in on the day of our transfer. I was more than nervous in that moment than any other in my life. And being 34 at the time, I'd had lots of moments. I had St. Gerard's prayer brought up on my phone, and I said the prayer for motherhood several times. During the transfer, I just clutched my patron saint, Saint Gemma Galgani, pendant and prayed. And, I just prayed.  The next step was just to wait... I'm not the most patient person when it comes to wanting to know something. Waiting makes me wonder if purgatory is real, how do those poor souls do it. How do they just wait? HOW.DO.THEY.DO.IT. But, they just do. And, that's what I did.

I tested early even though I wasn't supposed to. I'll never forget the first two tests were negative. I knew it was still early, so I didn't let it get me down *too much*. Then, I'll never forget that first time I saw the faintest second line. The next day it was darker, and then, I knew. I knew. I knew you were here. And I cried. I cried because I was so happy, I cried for all the women like me who felt defeat month after month, and I cried because now it was a whole different type of being scared. I cried because I didn't want to lose you. And, now here I type the rest of this letter on May 12, 2015, your due date. Obviously, you take after me on punctuality as you are just happy as a lark in my womb with no evidence of showing up today on time. But that's okay, I'm always late, and if you are too, we'll just both be late--together:)

I can't wait to meet you, Caroline Grace! You are already more loved by me than I have loved anything or anyone in this world.


Jacqui said...

Best of luck Momma for an easy delivery!

mFw said...

So happy for you!!! Love her name!!

Aubrey said...

Beautiful! Please keep this to gift to her someday.

Kathleen said...

What a great post. It gave me chills. I am so glad it all worked out for you
!!! Enjoy her!!! I know you will!


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