photo Header_zps3e95629b.png

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Get Nauti! ;)

Scentsy chose July's warmer of the month for Warmer Wednesday! I just LOOOVVVVVVVVEEEE this warmer. It's so perfect for the beach condo/house, lake house, or even a nautical lover. I really really like it!

Lighthouse
Lighthouse captures a windswept landmark in incredible detail, from its navy-and-white stripes to its window shutters and front door. Such a beautiful sight! Lighthouse is July's Warmer of the Month, which means... 10% off!
$35 $31.50



July Scent of the Month

Watermelon Mint
A chilled slice of sweet watermelon, sprinkled with bracing fresh mint, makes a refreshing summer treat

Your Price:  $5.00 $4.50 ($0.50 off)

As always, the scent and warmer of the month are 10% off til July 31st. 

If you have any questions, would like to host a party, or would just like to talk Scentsy, please do! Just email me at southernbellejm@gmail.com

Or you can place your order directly here. 

Again, thank you SO much for your orders and comments! Scentsy has been a blessing while fighting my infertility issues, and I cannot be grateful and thankful enough. Thank you, readers, family, and friends!!!


Scentsy

Monday, July 1, 2013

Counting my blessings

credit: here

I got really upset yesterday, and I said some terrible things about God. Things I know I didn't mean, and I know He knows I didn't mean them. But still... infertility is a dark place and makes you crazy, frustrated, and very very sad. In this process, I can see where people lose their faith. I can understand why people stop believing. I get it. How can someone who loves you so much be so cruel? I said all of those things in a rant after I found out I was not pregnant. And then, I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the fact I let those things come out of my mouth. Ashamed at the monster this whole thing has made me to be at times.

 When in fact, God did give me a blessing in June. I ovulated. It gave me hope. And today, in July, God has given me another blessing. I found out that I will be teaching 8th this year, not 7th. AND, it will be American history. That is the position I've always wanted. So, two blessings in a matter of two weeks!


 With that being said, I am going to try my best to count my blessings one at a time.
Scentsy

Saturday, June 29, 2013

It's a love story...


Scentsy's warmers of the week. "It's a love story, baby, just say yes!"

left warmer: Amala--A single, moon-white flower blooms from the heart of Amala, proving that the simplest decoration can be the most beautiful. 
right warmer: Bride--Make your vow with a lovely, sculpted corsage of roses in delicate, dappled ivory with hints of pale green. 

If you would have any questions, or would like to host a party, you can email me at southernbellejm@gmail.com I love to talk Scentsy!!! :)))

You can also go straight to my website here.
Scentsy

Update:)

I had a good appointment. Thank you all for your good vibes, prayers, and thoughts! I'm so happy the news was positive this time. Even if I'm not pregnant,God has given me hope and that's all I prayed for:) So, thank you for your kind words!

credit: here

  On another note, a blog friend of mine alerted me to the fact a seller was using my picture so sell something on Fleabay. An OOTD pic, so my whole entire body is in the pic. I was furious. They didn't have permission to use it, and they could have at least had the common decency to crop my head off. I messaged the seller and told them that pic is me and please remove it or I'll have to report them. They replied candidly that google images is free for all. Ummmm, no, it's not. It's a search engine, and google doesn't own the rights to the pics. And, if they read the photo policy on ebay, you are *supposed* to use self-created photos or photos you have permission to use. Photos of the ACTUAL product. I messaged them back and told them I asked nicely and to take it down and the least they could've done was crop off my head and not to use my pics without my permission. They didn't. So, I called ebay. Sometime during the call, they took down the picture and messaged me saying since I asked "nicely" they took it down. I messaged them back saying I didn't appreciate it, and that they are actually doing an injustice to the buyer because the picture of me in the shirt they are selling is actually a two size difference from the one they are selling. As a buyer, if I thought that was the correct size in the photo and got it and it didn't look like that on me, I'd be mad because they misrepresented the item. That seller in return told me again google image is free for anyone to use and to stop harassing them and they could care less what I think, and they blocked me. Well, I definitely won't be buying from them EVER nor was I trying to buy anything anyway! Needless to say, looks like I'll have to watermark the outfit photos from now on. I swear people think they can just do what they want with no consequence. Blows my mind....
Scentsy

Monday, June 24, 2013

Summer Suits

Went and had my blood work done this morning. Will be going to the doctor tomorrow to discuss results. I'm so nervous, scared, happy/sad. I have no idea what to feel right now. If I ovulated, I will be over the moon, and if I didn't, well, it's just another round of disappointment:( Please keep me in your thoughts tonight! And to get my mind off of that, let's talk swimwear:)

 When I originally ordered these bathing suits, we were supposed to be going on a vacation. Sadly, I don't think we'll be going on one this summer due to two workshops I have to do for school and just timing on our part. However, because the suits fit well and I liked them, I decided to keep them. Not to mention, I got all of these for around $120 including tax/ship which is not bad AT ALL.

Loved this top. The bottoms, not so much. I went ahead and ordered the matching bottoms just in case I liked them. The back side of these bottomas has ruching right down the middle and I felt like I had a permanent wedge. Plus, I'm too old to let my backside hang out like that, you know because not everyone can look like Gisele. Luckily, I ordered the low-rise-hipkini below in the deep blue color which matched the suit perfectly! Win-Win! 
I ordered this plain black one. Black makes you thinner, right? That was my justification;) And I ordered the matching lowrise hipkini.  I also ordered this in the deep blue color that matches the chevron bikini. Just in case I don't feel like wearing the chevron top, I can wear it with my hipkini. 

I thought this one was SO cute. They had it in a pink color which I thought would be more like a pale seersucker pink. When it came in, nope, it was neon pink. So, I kept this periwinkle color. Love it!

All in all I got 4 complete suits and two extra bottoms. Not too shabby!!!

Still working on my tree and keeping happy thoughts about tomorrow. Hope y'all are having a good summer!
Scentsy

Thursday, June 20, 2013

TTC for another month

credit: here

You know trying to conceive can be a difficult time. It's exhausting and stressful and tiresome and sometimes fun. I know this for even women whose lady parts are perfectly fine. So, throw in some jacked up lady bits to the scenario, and magnify those above issues x1000 sans the fun part because it's all about test, medicine, timing, etc.

I took my first round of clomid while still on metformin  this month. A few lovely ladies on twitter let me know to take the clomid at night. Oh, and I'm so glad I listened to them. I'm always cold. I wear a sweatshirt and jeans to the movies in August here in the South. I use a down comforter all year long. no joke. When I was taking this medicine, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I was SO hot. Really hot. During the day, I felt okay. But I was still warmer than normal. I went to the movies with my MIL to see Frances Ha (post coming on that soon!) and I didn't even bother to put on the cardigan I'd brought to cover up my arms. That's a first for me people! It made me sweat in my sleep. Ick!

Now, I'm done with the clomid. I finished it about a week ago. Now, I'm just super thirsty, and I'm having some pelvic discomfort. The discomfort is really low, so the nurse isn't so sure it would be an ovarian cyst. Mostly because the way I describe it is that it's just discomfort. It's not even hurting to where I'd take advil. It kind of feels like a pulled muscle/that feeling when you've held your pee for too long. Yesterday, it kind of bothered me all day. Today, it is WAY better. She spoke with the doctor and said that this is due to the clomid. I could experience this and bloating til either General Krottendorfer aka Aunt Flow showed up or until I find out I'm pregnant.

I guess I am writing this because hopefully one day we will have a baby, and I'll look back on these posts and know what I've subjected my body to these past 6 months and maybe more will have been worth it. I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about things too much. My family tree is coming along, and I think I have quite the knack for genealogy. Or maybe, I have just enthralled myself into doing so to keep my thoughts from getting the best of me. I am trying to stay positive while being realistic. I do not want to get my hopes up in the sense only to be served a dish of cold disappointment. So, for now, emotionally, that is where I'm at.

I had a positive on my OPK on Tuesday. I will be going in for blood work on Monday to see if I ovulated and going to the obgyn on Tuesday to discuss the results. I really do hope I ovulated. If you are the type that prays, please add me to your list. Or whatever, deity you believe in, add me to your list. Even if I'm not pregnant this cycle, at least ovulation would give me hope in such a dark place. At least I would know there's a chance...a possibility.
Scentsy

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Warmer Wednesday: Regal!

Yay, I remembered to do this on time. ;) This was Scentsy's warmer of the day today, and seriously, I think this maybe a new favorite. I'm a sucker for fleur-de-lis anything, so this is right up my alley. LOVE LOVE LOVE!


The fleur-de-lis, that time-honored symbol of royalty, graces Regal — making it the perfect adornment for your own castle.
Scentsy

True Life: I'm a Non-Parker


If you look closely at this picture, you'll see my front passenger wheel on the right, RIGHT next to the curb. There's literally the tiniest smidgen of space between that tire and the curb. I CANNOT park to save my life. Any other non-parkers out there? It annoys my husband to no end. He's always complaining about my parking and throwing his two cents ahem, advice on how to park the car. And he always throws in his two cents about my driving. Gotta love having a passenger who also thinks he's driving the car. My driving and parking has been know to cause screaming, tears, and the silent treatment. Please ladies, tell me I'm not the only one...


Scentsy

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Very Interesting....Hmmmm?

One of my daily reads in US Magazine. Can't help it. Love me some celeb gossip! I don't subscribe to Vogue, but these excerpts I keep reading on Katy Perry's interview has peaked my interests. I will be buying this issue or at least reading it while grocery shopping. ha! Here's the article from US Magazine verbatim:

Katy Perry: Russell Brand Announced His Divorce Plans With a Text Message

CELEBRITY NEWS JUNE 18, 2013 AT 12:00PM 
In the July issue of Vogue, Katy Perry says Russell Brand told her through text message that he wanted a divorce after 14 months of marriage.In the July issue of Vogue, Katy Perry says Russell Brand told her through text message that he wanted a divorce after 14 months of marriage.Credit: Annie Leibovitz/Vogue
Irreconcilable differences, indeed. Nearly one year after their divorce was finalized, Katy Perry is opening up about what went wrong in her 14-month marriage to Russell Brand. In an interview with Vogue's Vicki Woods for the July cover, the "Wide Awake" singer, 28, slams her ex-husband and says they haven't kept in touch -- and that he told her about his plans to divorce via text message.
"He's a very smart man, and I was in love with him when I married him," Perry says. "Let's just say I haven't heard from him since he texted me saying he was divorcing me December 31, 2011."
PHOTOS: Katy Perry and Russell Brand -- the way they were
Perry and Brand, 38, married in October 2010, after meeting at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. Though Brand was the one to file for divorce, Perry said the British comic's sense of humor was losing its charm on her before then.
"[He's] hysterical in some ways. Until he started making jokes about me and he didn't know I was in the audience, because I had come to surprise him at one of his shows," she tells Vogue. "I mean, I have to claim my own responsibility in things. I do admit that I was on the road a lot. Although I invited him time and time again, and I tried to come home as much as I possibly could. You saw that in the movie [Katy Perry: Part of Me]. That wasn't edited to leave footage out—there wasn't any footage of him."
PHOTOS: When exes attack
The "Part of Me" singer also claims that the actor couldn't "handle" her being his "equal."
"He didn't like the atmosphere of me being the boss on tour. So that was really hurtful, and it was very controlling, which was upsetting," she reveals. "I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can't necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day. I let go and I was like: This isn't because of me; this is beyond me. So, I have moved on from that."
In the July issue of Vogue, Katy Perry says Russell Brand told her through text message that he wanted a divorce after 14 months of marriage.
In the July issue of Vogue, Katy Perry says Russell Brand told her through text message that he wanted a divorce after 14 months of marriage.
Credit: Annie Leibovitz/Vogue
PHOTOS: John Mayer's famous ex-girlfriends
Since their divorce, Perry has had an on-again, off-again relationship with John Mayer. The pop superstar told Vogue that her romance with the quick musician was not to get back at Brand. 
"No, not at all. No, I was madly in love with him. I still am madly in love with him," she said. "All I can say about that relationship is that he's got a beautiful mind."
"Beautiful mind, tortured soul," she added. "I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds."
PHOTOS: Hollywood's ugliest divorces
In an interview on Howard Stern's Sirius XM radio show in February 2013, Stern asked Brand, "What do you make of your ex-wife dating John Mayer? Doesn't she know that he's a worse womanizer than you?"
"Worse or better, depending on how you view it," Brand joked, to which Stern replied, "He's a better womanizer, then."
"Hold on, I resent that!" Brand said. "I'm world class!"
For more of Perry's interview with Vogue, pick up the July issue, in stores on June 25.
Scentsy

Sunday, June 16, 2013

SB's Netflix Queue


Silver Linings Playbook
SB's rating: 3 out of 4 stars

Go rent this movie, redbox it, netflix it. Can you even rent movies anymore???? Well, I didn't think I would like this  movie as much I did. The summary was meh, and at first the movie was a little slow. But once the setting was established and characters introduced, it was great. There were parts I laughed so hard that I cried. Parts that you identify with in your own life such as fights with your parents, death, etc. that you can really relate to. And overall just a Great Great movie! 

Scentsy

Friday, June 14, 2013

Downtown, you say?

Welp, I am just not any good with making these on Wednesdays, am I? Ha;)

 This was Scentsy's Warmer Wednesday:
The bold beauty of a nighttime skyline snaps to life when Downtown is lit.

This is the stock photo to give you a better idea: 
In order to utilize the wraps, you have to purchase the core warmer. Scentsy does offer a core warmer set which includes the warmer and one wrap of your choice. You can check that out here. What's awesome about this is that you can change the look of your warmer anytime you want without having to actually purchase a new warmer. All you have to do is purchase a new wrap! They are only $12:) I like them because when Christmas time rolls around there are holiday wraps that are festive but don't stick out like a sore thumb. For example, this is the wrap that's on my core warmer right now: 
And during this past Christmas, I had the silent night wrap on. See below: 

Great way for you to be in the spirit but still having your warmer blend with your everyday home decor. And they had a halloween one too! 

If you have any questions feel free to email me at southernbellejm@gmail.com
And if you'd like to place an order here's the link to my website: 


Scentsy

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Summer Update.

Hmmm, I think I have posted less than I intended to so far :/ Wonder why I've neglected my internet space???

 I've been doing genealogical research on my family. It takes time. I have no idea how people do this who work normal hours. It's calls to libraries, county clerks, countless messages/emails to people on ancestry, etc. I'm glad I decided to start back working on it because it takes my mind off shopping (trying to pay down debt-not shop!) and takes my mind off my infertility issues. So, it has been fun researching and finding my family.


 
At the same time, genealogy can be very frustrating. Sometimes, like the problem I'm having now, it's as if people appear out of nowhere. Where did you come from? Who are your parents? Why can't I find where you're buried? And so many other questions, that make you scratch your head and have blood shot eyes from staying up all night searching record after record.

One thing to remember is that census records are good, but you must realize that the information on the census isn't always the most reliable. Sometimes, the person wasn't at home, and the enumerator asked the neighbor for information which means they may have just speculated where so and so's parents were born. Also, a lot of people couldn't read or write which means the enumerator spelled the names and information as best he/she could. And people didn't always keep track of time such as when they were born. For example, we always celebrated my grandmother's birthday on a specific date in June...well, because it was her birthday! But, after she passed, her death record actually noted her birthday was on the day before we always celebrated it. Also, nowadays, we always put our legal name on our documents such as the census, legal records, and what not. However, back then, people just gave whatever name they went by (i.e. nickname, middle name, initials, etc). So, for example my great-great grandmother's name is Susan Agnes. In some records, you will see her as Susan and others Agnes. And in fact, if someone was researching her and didn't know much about her first marriage (to my great-great grandfather), they might totally miss where she's buried. My great-grandfather is the one who paid for her tombstone, and he put our surname instead of her second marriage's surname. I'm wondering if there was resentment since he did that, or maybe, he did it because he was the one paying for it. Who knows...these are just examples I've encountered.

 Also, another tip, ask all your elderly family members everything while they're still here. I waited too late to start asking questions. I should have asked questions when I started my tree some 6 years ago. Now, my great aunts, in their latter 80s/90s don't remember anything. They have given me tiny pieces, but they just say it's so long ago since they've thought about these things so they don't remember. Interview your relatives. Write down anything---names, places, people, etc. You never know when this can come of use. So file it away.

 Another tip that has helped me along the way is to request death records and marriage records. The downside to old death records is it's only as good as the informant. Oftentimes, a family member filled out the death records and didn't know all the information. For example, my great-grandmother Susanna's son filled hers out. Evidently, he still lived with her and is the one who found her. He had no idea about her mother's family and wrote unknown. And for her father's information wrote Doe surname. He knew the last name of his grandparents but not the first. I've found lots of people died young or men remarried after their wives died to younger women and were still having kids at 50 meaning they were dead before their grandkids were ever conceived! On the other hand, marriage records can be beneficial. For example, depending on the state law at the time, people signed as witnesses. I have found those are usually some sort of family member or a friend. Friend meaning maybe a neighbor and can find in census, etc.

 I don't know if I would have gotten into it again this summer if it weren't for that pesky little dna test that my father took, the one I posted about last month. I had done tons of research and had my family locked down...or so I thought! There are some researchers who are researching my surname and there comes a point where things get a little hazy. My father was a direct descendant, and we thought the dna test would kind of clear up that gray area in one direction or the other. Quite interesting all of it to tell you the truth. However, what we did not anticipate was the fact that my father's test opened up Pandora's box. All the years I spent searching the people in that gray area to find the connection was a bust. The dna test proved we are not in the same haplogroup as those descendants. In fact, we are NOT related at all. Talked about shock. I think even the researchers were a little shocked too. We carry the surname and match a dna haplogroup in our surname study, so my ancestor wasn't adopted. We had to switch gears, and another researcher found my correct great-great grandfather. But now, we can't find who his father's parents are. Or what happened to his father. So, my friends another brick wall! But like I said marriage records are of help! We weren't sure if this was my family, just a good starting point. Well, I'm almost positive it is. I called the county clerk's office to see if they would pull the marriage certificate from the 1890s without me having to mail a request. And the nice gentleman did:) This is in fact the correct family thus far. The names for my great-great grandmother match up and the witness who signed for them carries the same surname as my great-great-great grandmother's maiden name. So, I'm thinking we've found it. Now to research some more.

 So, my friends in a long roundabout way, I've enlightened you on what I've been doing. Not that you cared to know all of that, but it will be fun to look back at this post in years to come to see what I was up to all this summer.

 I'm always happier and in such a better mood when the sun is shining and the skies are blue and the weather is warm. Hope you are having a great summer:))))))))
Scentsy

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Blog Sale!

FYI, I've started a new blog for my closet. These are the clothes and accessories I've kept that need new homes!



 Check it out here:  http://southernbelleresale.blogspot.com/
A lot of Lilly Pulitzer:)))
Scentsy

June Specials: In Time for the 4th!

Just wanted to share with y'all the warmer and scent of the month for June. It comes just in time for the 4th of July! Personally, I like this much better than the allover flag warmer Scentsy has done in the past. I think this one is SO cute because it's not overkill:)


God Bless proudly waves the good ol' red, white, and blue on a weathered cream background while rustic red stars encircle the warmer dish. 

Your Price:  $35.00 $31.50 ($3.50 off) til the end of the month:)


Bananaberry is one of those scents that I wasn't really sure if I'd like it. I've found most either love food-type scents or hate them. I think this one everyone will like. I was surprised at how well the two scents, banana and strawberry, smelled together. It was unexpected, and I liked it!
The above discounted prices are good til the end of the month:)


Ready to hit the beach in style? Scentsy's June Host Exclusive is a canvas tote made for long, sunny days, complete with Havana Cabana SPF 50 Lotion and Havana Cabana Lip Balm! Contact me for more info. 

If you have any questions, would like to host a party, or would simply just like to talk Scentsy, then email me at southernbellejm@gmail.com

You can shop my website here. 

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your orders. They have been a such a blessing right now! 
Scentsy

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

It's official...


Well, ladies, it's official. I will start Clomid tomorrow. My doctor recommended, and I thought it was best considering it's summer time. If there are side effects, I won't be in school and can see how it affects me. 

In all reality, there is the possibility we could have multiples, like twins. I know this sounds crazytown and completely cray-cray city, but I almost would rather have twins and be done. I'm tired of how emotionally draining infertility is on our marriage, how hard/lonely it is, and I'm so tired of taking medicine and having side effects. I just want to be done. But I can't give up. I can't give up on the chance that we could possibly have our own biological child, and so, we persevere. 

So for today, this is what is on my mind. 


Don't forget to enter my giveaway for the swim suit from Albion Fit. It ends tomorrow!
Scentsy

Monday, June 3, 2013

Flower Power:)

Again, another lame blog title, what can I say? ha!

I just wanted to update about our landscaping. The front bed we extended was a GREAT idea. I think it looks much better!

Please excuse the water hose. Hubs was working in the yard when I took this. I will say this, the plants at the front are iceland poppies, and if I had the chance to do it again, I wouldn't put them in the front. I just pruned them which is why if you look closely you will only see one bloom. The foliage is fug. The green leaves turn yellow which in turn makes the leaves turn brown when they are dying off. In all reality, the foliage is a green-yellow color. Reminds me of the green-yellow crayon that I hated using when someone else had the regular green. Sorry, for the horrible childhood flashback. Just had to get that out;)

 The poppy foliage is just not pretty, readers. NOT at all. I think we should have put them behind the drift roses, but alas, I keep telling myself that the greenish/yellow foliage now blends in with the hostas.
Also, you can go ahead and just pretend my husband's flip flops aren't there. Just imagine full hostas and a hydrangea bush that is now beginning to bloom! Our hostas are overtaking the bed, but I like them just like this.

And what I'm most excited about is...

Gardenias!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The gardenia bushes we planted this year are blooming. I LOVEEEEE the smell of gardenia, and it makes me so happy when I walk outside and get a whiff of the that smell in the air. So good! I am elated because last year we planted them in the bed where the poppies are, and they did not bloom. They died:( It was too much shade. So, this year we planted them in the bed that is front of our garage, and they are doing fine. So happy:) #itsthelittlethings

Scentsy

Friday, May 31, 2013

Infertility Etiquette

I think things happen for a reason. I think God ALWAYS has a plan. There was a reason why I didn't post the giveaway on Monday, my original intention. I was busy because I had just gotten back in from Hot Springs. I didn't post on Tuesday because I was busy taking care of something I did and got busy "relaxing" on my first official day of summer break. Can one be considered "busy" if they are relaxing, ah I digress. And yesterday, I spent another waste less trip to the pharmacy for a prescription that my doctor still hadn't called in. Seems as if out of the blue my insurance has denied it. A phone call would have been nice, and then again, I guess if I would have called the pharmacy I could have saved the trip. Story of my life...

After last month's disappointing lab work, I just tried again. We got a positive on day 15. I was excited because maybe, just maybe I ovulated. That's around the time most "normal" women ovulate and was hoping the blood work would say so. However, the timing screwed that up. I would need to test Sunday or Monday. All the labs my insurance accepts are closed on Sunday and were closed Monday due to the holiday. C'est la vie, eh? My OB suggested to go ahead and add clomid in addition to my metformin. So, readers, it looks like we're on that route. I am not telling anyone about this right now except for you! and well, my aunts, and my parents. I don't want to hear the OMG what if you have twins, what if you have triplets, what if you twin-trip-quadru-sextuplets???? Ugh, because that's what it will lead to. I guess because infertility isn't so mainstream and women, like myself for awhile, are all too often ashamed that it's just one of those subjects where people have no couth and lack the discipline to filter the hurtful remarks and questions that come out of their mouths because they are uneducated or inexperienced with fertility issues. If I end up having twins or triplets, well, the way I look at it is that it's more than I have right now.

So, I posted the swimsuit giveaway on Wednesday. That day came a comment which led to me lurking on said commenter's blog (Thanks, Catherine!) to reading a post that I totally just got. And, I was calm. I think this little getaway helped and the fact that school has settled has helped. I am hoping that if someone who is in my shoes comes across this post that it will give them solace too...and that if someone who is friend/related to someone with infertility that this post will help them be able to communicated better with their loved one.

Credit story and picture: Jessah at Dreaming of Dimples

If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, please read the very important information below (via RESOLVE) to learn what not to say and how to best support your friend or family member during this difficult time. To make this more digestable, I've included the most helpful tips (in my humble opinion). 

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.  

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster
    parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. 

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? 

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. 

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility. 

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature. 

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?" 

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes." 

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. 

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later. 

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

 Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. 

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.


Scentsy

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin